We All Have A Past
I turned away from God, but then I was sorry. I kicked myself for my stupidity! I was thoroughly ashamed of all I did in my younger days. Jeremiah 31:19
We all have a past and when reading the Bible we learn there were many nations that turned their backs on God to worship idols. I don't like to admit it but the idols I worshipped were just as wrong. Any idol is. When we think of idols we think of statues or images made of wood, stone, gold, and silver. The truth is an idol can be anything we love which we indulge in excessively and have a sinful attachment.
When I was young I turned from God and blamed Him for the loss I had to endure. I also blamed Him for the way I was tossed around from place to place. I didn't feel loved and thought God was punishing me. When you grow up in state's custody they are not allowed to tell you that they love you. I am talking about group homes and institutions. Foster homes are different but I didn't want anything to do with them.
By the time I was fifteen I started smoking cigarettes and became addicted to Haldol. By the time I turned seventeen I started smoking marijuana and popping pills. Mostly just dabbling in them. Then when I turned eighteen I was going through therapy I got addicted to Xanax, and started drinking on the weekends. Needless to say I was trying to numb myself and this soon was out of my control. You might be wanting to blame the system and wonder how this could happen to someone so young. Believe me when I say I had learned how to play the system and get what I wanted. I am not proud of this but the truth needs to be told.
I was enraged with anger and mixing it with the alcohol was a very bad combination. I started drinking less at the age of twenty-five and didn't really care for the pills either. I had found a new drug that made me feel invincible. Meth is something I fell in love with for many reasons and nothing else mattered. Literally nothing. I used this drug until the age of forty and wasted most of my life.
This was hard to write but I want you to know even though I turned from God when I finally turned to Him I was able to let go of all the shame and guilt for the way I acted and all the time I had wasted. This took some time but once I realized He was with me even during my worst of times that I brought on myself everything started to change. I was delivered from drugs and felt more love from God than anyone else could ever give me.
God is using me to reach the broken and unloved people to give them hope. If He can change me and transform my life to now being a Jesus freak He can change yours. Don't dwell on the things you have done in your younger years. Instead embrace the future and commit to finishing strong.